Deborah Tannen

The Tannen Books

It would be fair to say that some of us read authors rather than books. This applies to both fiction and nonfiction. Deborah Tannen is one of my favorite authors in the latter category. The first Tannen book that I read was You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation. I was fascinated by her insights into conversation and her understanding of how tension is created between people who approach conversation differently. I happily found that she had written a previous book called That’s Not What I Meant: How Conversational Style Make or Breaks Relationships. It proved to be equally riveting; it focused on style differences between people from different cultural backgrounds. She highlights cultural trends and values that are so embedded in everyday life that we cease to see them, but they influence our feelings and behavior, nonetheless.

Tannen’s next book was Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men in the Workplace; Language Sex, and Power. Everyone who has ever had a job, interviewed for a job or wanted a job would do well to read this one. Tannen points out both glaring examples and barely noticeable nuances in conversation that we all recognize immediately once we hear them described. Her understanding of hierarchy and other relationship structures provides a very complete sociological and psychological look at both homes and workplaces.

The Argument Culture: Moving from Debate to Dialogue is about public discourse and how it can be improved. We may not be able to change what’s in the media, but we can change what we consume. As with her books about conversation in the more personal realms, Tannen helps us to identify and understand the language that we hear, and to communicate more effectively because we listen more carefully and with more insight.

Tannen’s books are well researched and could certainly be considered scholarly, but she is an entertaining and compassionate writer, and readers are propelled along by the numerous “Aha!” moments as they recognize themselves and their circumstances in her stories and explanations. If you are interested in improving communication and conversation in any arena of your life or just appreciate the importance of language in our lives, Tannen is a worthwhile read.

Additional titles:  I Only Say This Because I Love You: How the Way We Talk Can Make or Break Family Relationships Throughout Our Lives (2001) is a treatment of family relationships in general. She also has two others about more specific family associations:

You’re Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, and

You Were Always Mom’s Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives