Love Your Enemies by Arthur Brooks

 

Sometimes, quite often actually, I read for amusement, and at other times, I read with the hope of learning something that will help me to be more informed or to help me navigate life in the 21st century. When I read a book from the latter category, I occasionally come away thinking: This ought to be Required Reading for Everyone.  And this is that kind of book. Honestly, my recommendation would be that Everyone not only read this, but read it Often.

The concept of loving your enemies is always a tricky one - good in theory, and annoyingly off-putting in actual practice. Brooks has a convincing way of showing that it is worth making the effort. His stance is that improving our attitudes and our relationships is essential for our health and happiness both individually and collectively.

Some of the ideas that Brooks discusses are:

Saying no to contempt.

Moving out of your bubble.

Disagreeing better.

He advises turning away from rhetoric and diatribe that does not elevate or inform your reasoning.

And maybe most importantly, he addresses a thing that nearly all of us have done which is weaponizing our values, i.e. using our values to insult or put someone else down. He points out that doing so causes us to lose the moral content of those values. Values are a gift, and it is impossible for others to see your gift if you are using it in a combat strategy.

Arthur Brooks is a thoughtful thinker and writer, and most of us could always use more of that in our lives.

Think Again by Adam Grant

We would all probably like a conversational environment in which ideas were more vigorously and meaningfully exchanged. We imagine that there is (or was or could be) a time and place where people listen to each other, change their minds about various topics, and just generally appreciate the opportunity to share information and viewpoints. However, this is is such a rare exception that many people are reluctant to have a conversation without first ascertaining that their listener is already in complete agreement with them. This phenomenon is known as creating "silos," or forming "idea cults."

When confronted with differing points of view we veer toward one of three tendencies:

To preach - to prove we are right or that our cause is sacred

To prosecute - to prove someone else wrong or guilty

To politick - to look for approval

These tendencies turn out to be poor methods of persuasion. They nearly always cause a listener to solidify their position. There are more scientifically based approaches that might counteract the one-sidedness and blind spots of those conversational styles.

It turns out that information gathering or interviewing people about their convictions or opinions is a more effective way of eliciting a change. In a serious attempt to explain their own ideas, many people will find the gaps or flaws in their own logic and begin to reexamine those notions.

Recognizing that there are limits to persuasion and that we all need "time for our own confusion" is an excellent method for creating the space needed for change. Humans like to sort through information and draw their own conclusions. At least, most people think that they like to do this. If they feel less pressured, there is a greater chance that they will perceive they are moving through this process independently.

Methods that are good for learning to think are crucial to creating the kind of mind that has the flexibility to incorporate new information. No surprise - textbook reading and lectures are not the mainstay of these methods. People need practice in gathering information, recognizing legitimate and illegitimate sources, and looking at data from different angles.

People also require the personal and emotional support to develop something called Confident Humility. This is a mindset that helps us "improve ourselves rather than prove ourselves."

"Escalation of commitment" in spite of signs of failure is what an individual or an organization does when they want to save face or protect reputations. Despite mounting evidence that a thing is not going well, efforts are redoubled and problems are minimized or dismissed. On a personal level, this premature commitment can be a kind of identity foreclosure - closing ourselves off from options before we've had a chance to explore all the possibilities.

This nonfiction book is so good that I didn't want it to end. It felt more like a binge watch TV series was wrapping up than a nonfiction book was coming to an end. I will definitely be looking for what else Adam Grant has written.

Forging Ahead

I'm not sure why these two books seem like natural partners to me, but they were both published in early 2022, and they both address some essential questions of identity. Most of us do not get very far through life without having to reinvent ourselves at least a bit. And sometimes, there are circumstances that require a wholesale makeover whether we like it or not. Both of these authors tackle some Big Questions surrounding growth and development in adult life.

Susan Cain has written a well-researched book explaining things like why sad music makes us feel better, why some of us like rainy days, and why withdrawal and introspection are necessary parts of thriving and growing. Most people recognize intuitively that sad movies and tragic stories play an important part in our lives. Her work validates and expands on our intuition. 

Both Eastern and Western traditions teach us that joy and sorrow are intertwined. Cain makes some inroads in helping us understand how that relationship works. 

Arthur Brooks also draws on both Eastern and Western philosophy to explain some of our most crucial stumbling blocks to satisfaction and contentment. Brooks’ analysis illuminates why strategies that work in one phase of our life do not necessarily serve us well as time goes by. The success that we enjoy during our career days is not "bankable." There are some skills that are needed during the last half of our lives that we may have neglected to hone during the heyday of climbing the career ladder.

Oprah Winfrey interviewed Brooks on her Super Soul Conversations podcast, and Brene Brown did a two-part interview with Susan Cain on her podcast, Unlocking Us. The interviews are a great way to learn more about the books and the authors. 

These are two authors who address tough subjects and give us hope and encouragement. As we come to the end of our pandemic life, those are good avenues on which to be traveling.

Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman

Although I personally love this book, I would not recommend it for people who do not like their reality served without sweetener. This is an author who takes a position that truth is going to save you some time in the long run. Additionally, the long run isn't all that long.

A healthy, lucky human residing in a safe locale can expect to live about 80 years or approximately 4000 weeks. A few folks get more, and a few get less. The shocking business is in following Burkeman's logic and doing the simple calculation that tells you how many of your 4000 weeks you have already spent.

We have many linguistic and a few emotional tricks that prevent us from facing how fleeting our time really is. One of these tricks is referring to people in their fifties and sixties as "middle aged." It may seem like the charitable thing to say, but it skews our calculators pretty substantially. Burkeman thinks that if you don't turn away from the facts, you will end up making more sensible choices, and consequently will enjoy and appreciate your life a little more.

He points out some things that most of us conveniently ignore, such as: We are not going to be able to read all the books we would like to read; we are not going to be able to travel to all the places we would like to see, and we are not going to accomplish everything that we have dreamed of doing. These hard facts should inform the choices we make about how we spend our energy and our days and weeks.

This is a brilliant book. I think bluntness sometimes saves time and energy and brings peace of mind a little more reliably than myths like: If we plan and organize well, we can do absolutely everything we want to do. Burkeman points out that there is such a thing as being too efficient, and didn't we really suspect that?

And one more thing: it's a short book. You won't spend several of your precious weeks getting through it!

Elderhood by Louise Aronson

One of the best things about Elderhood is that Aronson pushes back against all of the '70 is the new 50' rhetoric. She points out that as long as we assume 50 is somehow better than 70, we are not being fair or kind to ourselves about aging.

Elderhood is an amazingly engaging book. Aronson has skillfully woven anecdotes, research, and personal experience into a book that reads like a novel. It reminds me a little of reading Omnivore's Dilemma, another nonfiction book that qualifies as a page turner.

This is not an overtly political book, but it does challenge the profit motives of our currently constructed health care system. She says bluntly, "Families often assume doctors know best. But medical professionals are the products and purveyors of a system that pays for only certain sorts of care, even when it's more likely to prolong suffering than to restore health and even when, in report after report, most state that they would not choose that care for themselves or their loved ones."

There is ample evidence that Aronson has bucked the system, and that she has experienced both successes and disappointments, as those who take on the status quo so often do. I have every confidence that this will be a widely popular book, and that it will empower legions of people to speak up, question more, and ultimately to change the way we all interact with our various health care machinery. Changing something with so much power takes pressure from every angle. Consumers will need to do their part.

There is a universal aspect to growing older. Even if every individual does not get that chance him or herself, odds are there are older friends or family members who will require us to interact with the elderly and the systems we have to care for them. But aging is not only about health care, Aronson gives us a new way of regarding age in general, and some ways to counter longstanding and harmful stereotypes.

Readers already in the Elderhood zone will almost certainly find this book compelling, but anyone who has a reason to interact with older folks or the systems that older folks depend upon will also find this a fascinating and thought provoking book.

Deborah Tannen

The Tannen Books

It would be fair to say that some of us read authors rather than books. This applies to both fiction and nonfiction. Deborah Tannen is one of my favorite authors in the latter category. The first Tannen book that I read was You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation. I was fascinated by her insights into conversation and her understanding of how tension is created between people who approach conversation differently. I happily found that she had written a previous book called That’s Not What I Meant: How Conversational Style Make or Breaks Relationships. It proved to be equally riveting; it focused on style differences between people from different cultural backgrounds. She highlights cultural trends and values that are so embedded in everyday life that we cease to see them, but they influence our feelings and behavior, nonetheless.

Tannen’s next book was Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men in the Workplace; Language Sex, and Power. Everyone who has ever had a job, interviewed for a job or wanted a job would do well to read this one. Tannen points out both glaring examples and barely noticeable nuances in conversation that we all recognize immediately once we hear them described. Her understanding of hierarchy and other relationship structures provides a very complete sociological and psychological look at both homes and workplaces.

The Argument Culture: Moving from Debate to Dialogue is about public discourse and how it can be improved. We may not be able to change what’s in the media, but we can change what we consume. As with her books about conversation in the more personal realms, Tannen helps us to identify and understand the language that we hear, and to communicate more effectively because we listen more carefully and with more insight.

Tannen’s books are well researched and could certainly be considered scholarly, but she is an entertaining and compassionate writer, and readers are propelled along by the numerous “Aha!” moments as they recognize themselves and their circumstances in her stories and explanations. If you are interested in improving communication and conversation in any arena of your life or just appreciate the importance of language in our lives, Tannen is a worthwhile read.

Additional titles:  I Only Say This Because I Love You: How the Way We Talk Can Make or Break Family Relationships Throughout Our Lives (2001) is a treatment of family relationships in general. She also has two others about more specific family associations:

You’re Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, and

You Were Always Mom’s Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives

A Pretty Fair Explanation

I cannot say that Win Bigly was the one of most satisfying books I've read, but I do think it might be one of the most important. Many people have struggled to explain or understand the results of the 2016 presidential election, including PJ O'Rourke in How the Hell Did This Happen? 

The complete title, Win Bigly: Persuasion in a World Where Facts Don't Matter, is a very telling indicator of the underpinning of Scott Adams' analysis. Many people know and love Scott Adams from his Dilbert cartoons. He is a true libertarian and his personal views are what I would call socially liberal, but economically brutal. He favors the "bootstraps" approach to economic problems, whether or not people have boots.

Nevertheless, he is able to talk about the persuasive ability of our current president with a clarity that is convincing, if not especially palatable. Scott Adams paints a pretty good picture of what the scene looked like from the angle of someone who did not have a very strong allegiance to either outcome. He seems a trifle too invested in what I would have called a false narrative about Hillary Clinton, but as his title points out, facts don't matter. If the narrative grew legs, the origins were not going to be questioned by a sizeable majority - or if not a majority, a big enough contingent to make a difference.

In The Righteous Mind, Jonathan Haidt shares an overarching discussion about why and how people draw conclusions and make political and moral decisions. It is most certainly germane to our current politics, but Adams' book is much more specific to the personality of Donald J Trump.

If you are liberal, you might not like what this book has to say, but you will not be able to dismiss it. And you may find that it brings a little bit of the peace of mind that comes with at least knowing the answer to to PJ O'Rourke's big question. If you are a fan of our current president, you might find that Adams has articulated something that you knew intuitively, but might not have known how to explain.

Whether or not you like the current White House leadership, nearly everyone would have to agree that something important happened with the recent rise of nationalism and the triumph of celebrity politics. Looking at the situation from as many angles as possible is probably the only way to get enough of a handle on what happened to make a difference in the future.

The Righteous Mind

I have read this book twice already and I will read it again. It was written in 2012 and it seems to be more relevant every day. I have also heard Jonathan Haidt interviewed on a couple of occasions. He has been able to see and evaluate current affairs from a fairly wide and long perspective and it is a useful tool for saving one's sanity.

If you find yourself perplexed or even enraged over current events, this philosophical look at people and how they think will, at least, explain how we can seem so different from each other. In a nutshell, we all arrive at our conclusions by means of emotional cues, and then try to come up with reasons for why we think and feel the way we do. We like to think of ourselves as rational, fact based creatures, so we go out and search for evidence that we are correct about the things that we have already concluded to be true. In so doing, of course, we skip over a great deal of information that doesn't square with our already formed conclusions.

The biggest question is whether there is hope for us getting along better, and the answer is: Some. In the meantime, if we understand that our neighbors, our family and our friends are not so different from us, we feel a bit more sanguine about our differences.

Sometimes it seems like current events move along so quickly that any political theory has an extremely short shelf life. By Friday, a show aired on Tuesday is hopelessly irrelevant. The ideas in this now five year old book have become more rather than less relevant. It is definitely worth a look, or even a second look.

Nurture Assumption

Nurture Assumption by Judith Rich Harris
Free Press, New York: 1998
This is a very important book written about child rearing and the nature/nurture controversy. Harris takes on the entire industry of child development and parenting literature. Her book is convincing and well researched.

Gladwell

Blink, Tipping Point and Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell.
These are all relatively short and all relatively brilliant. I’m sure there will be more books from him, and I’m guessing they will all be excellent. He is both informative and entertaining.