Love Your Enemies by Arthur Brooks

 

Sometimes, quite often actually, I read for amusement, and at other times, I read with the hope of learning something that will help me to be more informed or to help me navigate life in the 21st century. When I read a book from the latter category, I occasionally come away thinking: This ought to be Required Reading for Everyone.  And this is that kind of book. Honestly, my recommendation would be that Everyone not only read this, but read it Often.

The concept of loving your enemies is always a tricky one - good in theory, and annoyingly off-putting in actual practice. Brooks has a convincing way of showing that it is worth making the effort. His stance is that improving our attitudes and our relationships is essential for our health and happiness both individually and collectively.

Some of the ideas that Brooks discusses are:

Saying no to contempt.

Moving out of your bubble.

Disagreeing better.

He advises turning away from rhetoric and diatribe that does not elevate or inform your reasoning.

And maybe most importantly, he addresses a thing that nearly all of us have done which is weaponizing our values, i.e. using our values to insult or put someone else down. He points out that doing so causes us to lose the moral content of those values. Values are a gift, and it is impossible for others to see your gift if you are using it in a combat strategy.

Arthur Brooks is a thoughtful thinker and writer, and most of us could always use more of that in our lives.

And Beyond That, the Sea by Laura Spence-Ash

 

To date, this is the only book by this author. If I see her name on anything else, I will definitely check it out. This is one of the best pieces of fiction I have read in my longish life as an avid reader.

The story is set during World War II, and on two hemispheres. The author handles this challenge flawlessly. Truthfully, I am cautious about reading WWII stories. But this one humanizes everyone and creates a fascinating look into what must have been a desperate and uncertain time for so many throughout the world.

This book is a joyful read, not because of any lack of seriousness, but because it is a well told story, and the time spent within the pages is quite honestly riveting.

The Good Life Book By Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz

 

Books on happiness often seem like unrealistic exercises because the authors write in general terms about things that most of us find very specific and uniquely individual. But some of us keep reading them anyway. The Good Life book is worth reading for a couple of reasons other than happiness being a very tempting subject. The book is a summary of mountains of research with a heavy emphasis on some of the most longitudinal studies ever conducted. Good research can make for very compelling reading. 

The second reason that this book is good is that the authors are great story tellers. Not everyone can take decades of research and statistics and create a truly fascinating narrative. The authors have found a way to make this book conversational by including a smattering of personal anecdotes and opinions. The combination of statistical analysis and friendly chat are a part of what makes the book highly readable. If you love research and statistics, this book will be mind candy. 

If you are not a sociologist at heart, you can still be confident that the authors have made the information as palatable as any fiction you have ever read. One of the reasons for this similarity to fiction is that there are several people in the book that are followed for essentially their whole lives. The reader gets to know and care about these folks. And then there are useful happiness ideas, such as the meditation question: What's here that I have never noticed before? This book is a blend of philosophy, and research and it makes for rich and meaningful reading. The authors tell us that there is no way to make life perfect, and even if there were, then it would not be a good life. Because a good life is forged from the things that make it hard.

 

Think Again by Adam Grant

We would all probably like a conversational environment in which ideas were more vigorously and meaningfully exchanged. We imagine that there is (or was or could be) a time and place where people listen to each other, change their minds about various topics, and just generally appreciate the opportunity to share information and viewpoints. However, this is is such a rare exception that many people are reluctant to have a conversation without first ascertaining that their listener is already in complete agreement with them. This phenomenon is known as creating "silos," or forming "idea cults."

When confronted with differing points of view we veer toward one of three tendencies:

To preach - to prove we are right or that our cause is sacred

To prosecute - to prove someone else wrong or guilty

To politick - to look for approval

These tendencies turn out to be poor methods of persuasion. They nearly always cause a listener to solidify their position. There are more scientifically based approaches that might counteract the one-sidedness and blind spots of those conversational styles.

It turns out that information gathering or interviewing people about their convictions or opinions is a more effective way of eliciting a change. In a serious attempt to explain their own ideas, many people will find the gaps or flaws in their own logic and begin to reexamine those notions.

Recognizing that there are limits to persuasion and that we all need "time for our own confusion" is an excellent method for creating the space needed for change. Humans like to sort through information and draw their own conclusions. At least, most people think that they like to do this. If they feel less pressured, there is a greater chance that they will perceive they are moving through this process independently.

Methods that are good for learning to think are crucial to creating the kind of mind that has the flexibility to incorporate new information. No surprise - textbook reading and lectures are not the mainstay of these methods. People need practice in gathering information, recognizing legitimate and illegitimate sources, and looking at data from different angles.

People also require the personal and emotional support to develop something called Confident Humility. This is a mindset that helps us "improve ourselves rather than prove ourselves."

"Escalation of commitment" in spite of signs of failure is what an individual or an organization does when they want to save face or protect reputations. Despite mounting evidence that a thing is not going well, efforts are redoubled and problems are minimized or dismissed. On a personal level, this premature commitment can be a kind of identity foreclosure - closing ourselves off from options before we've had a chance to explore all the possibilities.

This nonfiction book is so good that I didn't want it to end. It felt more like a binge watch TV series was wrapping up than a nonfiction book was coming to an end. I will definitely be looking for what else Adam Grant has written.

Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment, and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words by David Whyte

It would be hard to describe how much I love this book. More than that, I have been listening to David Whyte read it aloud and give background comments on it (on the Waking Up app). His voice is worth the price of the app. If he read aloud a set of IKEA directions, I would be willing to give it a listen. 

The title might make one think that the content is only for those in need of consoling, but there is not a single topic contained in the volume that doesn't apply to 100% of the human race. The subtitle is actually a clearer description of the content. I believe that Whyte could execute a meaningful treatise on any word in any language. He is not afraid to turn assumptions upside down and make us think about ordinary topics with totally new perspectives. Speaking for myself, I like his perspectives better than my own. For instance, he says about Anger: "Anger is the deepest form of care..." He goes on to explain this paradoxical thought in ways that make your brain come alive with new connections.

David Whyte is a poet, and this is a book of prose. It is possibly the most poetic prose ever written. Each essay is short. Each essay can be read again and again because there is more depth in each one of these essays than in many lengthy books.

This is the age of YouTube, and if you want to sample a bit of his humor and wisdom, that is as good a place as any to start. His TED talk is particularly good. Warning: You will want to buy the book.

Forging Ahead

I'm not sure why these two books seem like natural partners to me, but they were both published in early 2022, and they both address some essential questions of identity. Most of us do not get very far through life without having to reinvent ourselves at least a bit. And sometimes, there are circumstances that require a wholesale makeover whether we like it or not. Both of these authors tackle some Big Questions surrounding growth and development in adult life.

Susan Cain has written a well-researched book explaining things like why sad music makes us feel better, why some of us like rainy days, and why withdrawal and introspection are necessary parts of thriving and growing. Most people recognize intuitively that sad movies and tragic stories play an important part in our lives. Her work validates and expands on our intuition. 

Both Eastern and Western traditions teach us that joy and sorrow are intertwined. Cain makes some inroads in helping us understand how that relationship works. 

Arthur Brooks also draws on both Eastern and Western philosophy to explain some of our most crucial stumbling blocks to satisfaction and contentment. Brooks’ analysis illuminates why strategies that work in one phase of our life do not necessarily serve us well as time goes by. The success that we enjoy during our career days is not "bankable." There are some skills that are needed during the last half of our lives that we may have neglected to hone during the heyday of climbing the career ladder.

Oprah Winfrey interviewed Brooks on her Super Soul Conversations podcast, and Brene Brown did a two-part interview with Susan Cain on her podcast, Unlocking Us. The interviews are a great way to learn more about the books and the authors. 

These are two authors who address tough subjects and give us hope and encouragement. As we come to the end of our pandemic life, those are good avenues on which to be traveling.

Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman

Although I personally love this book, I would not recommend it for people who do not like their reality served without sweetener. This is an author who takes a position that truth is going to save you some time in the long run. Additionally, the long run isn't all that long.

A healthy, lucky human residing in a safe locale can expect to live about 80 years or approximately 4000 weeks. A few folks get more, and a few get less. The shocking business is in following Burkeman's logic and doing the simple calculation that tells you how many of your 4000 weeks you have already spent.

We have many linguistic and a few emotional tricks that prevent us from facing how fleeting our time really is. One of these tricks is referring to people in their fifties and sixties as "middle aged." It may seem like the charitable thing to say, but it skews our calculators pretty substantially. Burkeman thinks that if you don't turn away from the facts, you will end up making more sensible choices, and consequently will enjoy and appreciate your life a little more.

He points out some things that most of us conveniently ignore, such as: We are not going to be able to read all the books we would like to read; we are not going to be able to travel to all the places we would like to see, and we are not going to accomplish everything that we have dreamed of doing. These hard facts should inform the choices we make about how we spend our energy and our days and weeks.

This is a brilliant book. I think bluntness sometimes saves time and energy and brings peace of mind a little more reliably than myths like: If we plan and organize well, we can do absolutely everything we want to do. Burkeman points out that there is such a thing as being too efficient, and didn't we really suspect that?

And one more thing: it's a short book. You won't spend several of your precious weeks getting through it!